Wednesday, December 22, 2004

The end of the world

Sitting here for the moment looking out the window at the drizzling rain in the 45° weather.

If you listened to the weather channel last night, you would have known (or at least suspected) that we were going to get some rain today. If you listened to the local weather, you would have feared that we were going to be covered up in snow.

I am convinced that the local weathermen have a conspiratorial agreement with the local Kroger stores. Whenever Kroger has a surplus of milk or bread that they cannot seem to clear from the shelves, they alert the local weathermen. These weathermen spring into immediate action. They issue a chance for a light dusting of snow. This usually prompts the most fearful of heart to rush out and buy milk and bread.

If this doesn't clear up the problem, further measures are taken. The weathermen will issue a snow 'advisory'. They will use words like 'accumulation' and 'hazardous'. This will initiate the second wave of shoppers into action. The milk and bread will fly off of the shelves.

If this is still not enough, more stringent measures will be taken. There will be a 'winter storm warning'. The erstwhile weather servants of the worldwide grocery chain will hold back no dirty trick. They will talk about 'records falling' and remind us of other times when the roads were closed. They will put out cleverly disguised 'public service announcements' about being prepared for bad wintry weather. Krogers all over the country will ship in their unsellable perishables. Even the most skeptical of consumers will now have to rush to the grocery to stock up.

Then we can all sit in our living rooms, just around the corner from our supremely stock pantry, and watch the drizzling rain, and listen to the sound of perishable food items going bad.

Got Milk ?

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