In a time
I need to be numb
Well meaning people
Can be so dumb
(You’ll forgive
The inadvertent rhyme)
Pain and grief
Jockey for position
Fighting their way
To the top of the heap
The morass of feelings
Unearthed in loss’s wake
If you’ll pardon my candor
As I deal with the incredulous
As you think, it is at this moment
While trying to process it all
With this gaping abyss
Pulling me mercifully into the void
“How are you feeling?”
What the fuck?
At this precise moment
With all my heart is trying to process
With all my mind is trying to salvage
Trying to save the past
While trying not to imagine the future
You want me to deal with feelings
Let’s see
How am I feeling?
I feel like I’m drowning
I feel there will never be enough air
For me to breathe again
My lungs are filled with ashes
I feel like I’m trapped in my own life
And no matter how desperately I fight
I cannot free myself
From this prison of despair
I feel I am all alone
Even in this crowd of well wishers
Numbed to their caring hugs
Deaf to their soothing words
I feel like I need to be running
Perhaps I can out race this pain
But my feet are entangled
Capturing me, keeping me
I feel an unbearable weight
As if I’m wearing a suit of lead
Every movement is a struggle
But, I must go through the motions
How am I feeling?
I feel like I want to scream
And never stop screaming
I want to rage against the injustice
I want to rail against the inevitable
How am I feeling?
I want to talk about nothing
I want to laugh without a reason
I want to cry, but I am afraid
Fearful I may not be able to stop
How am I feeling?
I give my best smile
“I’m okay”
“I’ll survive”
“I’ll get through this”
© Ron Simpson Jr.
April 25, 2020
