Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Trying to live my life

Have ya ever wondered if you are living your life or is your life living you?

Sometimes I think we make decisions like the result of the domino effect. We made a small decision when we were just coming out of our teens and everything that has happened since has just been one domino knocking over the next which is knocking over the next which is knocking over the next. We think we are driving, when all we are really doing is reacting to something pushing us from the back.

Every now and then, it is a good idea to stop and turn around. It makes sense to take inventory of our decisions and be assured that we are making decisions based on our own desires and wants, and not some cause and effect ritual that we are stuck in the middle of. There have been times in my life that I have stopped mid stream and realized that I wasn't the guiding force behind my life decisions. I was doing what this one or that one expected of me. I was doing what others thought I should be doing.

Don't get me wrong, some decisions you make have to be carried through. When I was young, I made the decision to become a father. That decision has life long implications. I don't begrudge that decision. Never once, in my mid stream stops or many life checks, have I ever regretted that choice. I love my kids and wouldn't change that part of my life for anyone.

This being the early part of a new year and the beginning of a new career for me, has made me think about those things. After my divorce (a life changing decision) and being single again for 5 years, I made another life changing decision. I married Tammy, whom I love completely. Now, 15 months later, I have made another decision to change careers. Even though this change was somewhat precipitated by the growing arthritis pain in my back, I feel it is a good and personally made decision.

Sometimes you just have to break the habits and change the cycle. Sometimes you just have to make a choice for yourself. I am mostly happy with my life. There are still things that I want to change, but these are more personal changes about me and not about the people in my life. I want to be healthier. I want to be more patient. (You have to be careful asking for patience. The Bible says that the trying of your faith worketh patience. So, when you ask for patience, you are asking for trying times.) Patience is a pass/fail kinda class. There is no middle ground. There is no, "I was almost patient". Still, I want patience. I remember that old poster that said, "God grant me patience, but DO IT NOW!"

Looking up at the clock in the corner of the screen, I see it is about bedtime. Y'all have a good evening, night, day, whatever time you read this.

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