I told Tammy about my past (not that it is all sordid). There are some things that she has trouble believing. I told her that I was lacking in compassion when I was younger. It is true, even if it is difficult for her to believe. I have told the story before about my conversion to the sweet lovable guy that I am today. I wont rehash that.
Sometimes, no matter how hard ya try, ghosts still have a way of resurfacing. They come back when you are not watching. They pop up when stress or tiredness invade your life. They tend to polarize you. You, literally, become like two people. One is the person you have worked so hard to become. The second is the person you killed years before.
My past lack of compassion manifested itself mostly in the form of intolerance. It was intolerance for the mistakes of others.
In the past few weeks, I have felt it creeping in. The kids make a mistake and I feel it.
What kills me most is that anyone, a stranger, can make a mistake and it doesn't bother me. If it is someone close, however, it creeps up in me. Perhaps, it is, that seeing a 'weakness' (loosely used) in someone close like that, points out a shortcoming in myself. I remember Dad taking all my mistakes, and I made them, as a personal statement of his parenting skills. He and Mom did a great job parenting. Still, with all of the kids already in their 40's, they take it as a personal failing when we don't get along, or when we make a mistake. I try, as best as I can, to convince he and mom that it isn't their fault. It seems I have inherited that trait. It just exists as a ghost that pops it head out every now and then.
This is hoping that facing the ghost, chases it away, even if it is just for now.
One difference ... This time I have a friend, willing to help me be the best me I can be.
Thanks Honey. I love you more every day.
Sometimes, no matter how hard ya try, ghosts still have a way of resurfacing. They come back when you are not watching. They pop up when stress or tiredness invade your life. They tend to polarize you. You, literally, become like two people. One is the person you have worked so hard to become. The second is the person you killed years before.
My past lack of compassion manifested itself mostly in the form of intolerance. It was intolerance for the mistakes of others.
In the past few weeks, I have felt it creeping in. The kids make a mistake and I feel it.
What kills me most is that anyone, a stranger, can make a mistake and it doesn't bother me. If it is someone close, however, it creeps up in me. Perhaps, it is, that seeing a 'weakness' (loosely used) in someone close like that, points out a shortcoming in myself. I remember Dad taking all my mistakes, and I made them, as a personal statement of his parenting skills. He and Mom did a great job parenting. Still, with all of the kids already in their 40's, they take it as a personal failing when we don't get along, or when we make a mistake. I try, as best as I can, to convince he and mom that it isn't their fault. It seems I have inherited that trait. It just exists as a ghost that pops it head out every now and then.
This is hoping that facing the ghost, chases it away, even if it is just for now.
One difference ... This time I have a friend, willing to help me be the best me I can be.
Thanks Honey. I love you more every day.
1 comment:
You will always have a friend, lover, partner, companion in me.. a few "ghosts" don't bother me.. I told you a long time again in the motel in Indiana.. I am in this for the long haul.. I love you too Poet of my heart
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