Thursday, August 18, 2005

Life changes

One of the more recent of my life changes is Tammy.

After my divorce (after 20 yrs of marriage), I had decided that I really wasn't looking to be married anytime soon. My Ex swore that I would remarry quickly, because I didn't like to be alone. Part of that was me not liking to spend time with me. I wasn't comfortable with who I was anymore. Let me assure you, if you do not like yourself, you are going to be a miserable person. I really couldn't see sharing that misery with anyone else. (My ex was married within 4 months of the divorce.)

In spite of this, I did date. One of those dates developed into a relationship with a psycho. This gal was extremely jealous. She was jealous if I picked my kids up from the ex without her. She insisted on being present whenever I picked them up or dropped them off. On more than one occasion, she questioned my closeness (in standing proximity) to my Ex while talking about the kids. The Ex married an abusive man and I was there for her several times. This always got the best of her. Eventually, we parted ways, but not before I had to threaten to have her arrested if she didn't leave my place (long story). This was one year out.

After her, I met Alex. Alex is a great woman, who remains a great friend to this day. Alex lives in Florida. She would fly to see me. I would fly to see her. Eventually, distance and differences ended the romantic part of our relationship, but not before I came out of my box. I learned to begin liking myself.

Three more years and a couple relationships souring later, I met Tammy. She scared me. She was so easy to like. It was much easier to lose myself in her eyes. From the first time we really sat down and talked unto now, she has been easy to talk with.

I was at a place in my life where I needed to make changes. I was a floater. A floater is a person that is just drifting through life. That is where I was. Everything was okay in my life, but I wasn't making any impact or difference. I was a planet with no moon. I could drop off the planet and people would miss me, but there would be no significant impact. I had no roots. I was loved by my family and my children. They would grieve me, but for the most part, my passing would go unnoticed.

I was head over heels in love with Tammy, but I needed more. I needed promises. I needed commitment. I needed to be working on and towards something. I needed roots and stars. I needed something to tie me down to reality, to make the stars seem brighter. Without reality, dreams lose their definition. Without roots, goals are never obtainable. It wasn't Tammy that was going to be my roots. It was our unique and diversely special relationship. It was my willingness (finally) to become committed completely.

In the middle of my single years, I dated and lived with one particular woman. Even then, I kept my unused apartment in Lexington while living with her in another city. I couldn't let go of it. I couldn't commit fully. In mine and Tammy's relationship, I found the place where I could give my all to one person. I found my love. I found my heart and soul.

In the past forty months, my life has changed profoundly. I have a new wife and a new best friend. I have a new career which challenges and rewards me. I have 4 new children. I have a partner.

Profoundly changed.

1 comment:

TammyJ said...

Ron.. My Poet.. Now that I can see the keyboard again, I can tell you .. you know where I was when I met you.. You know where I am now.. I love who you are.. I love who I am with you.. I love us together.. the changes loving you have brought into my life have profoundly altered the me that I was into the me that I am.. thank you for the wonderful life we are building together, Thank you for the 3 beautiful daughters, the 4 grandbabies.. but mostly just for loving me the way that you do..