Wednesday, August 02, 2006


It is difficult to separate strong emotions. The strongest, and possibly, most fragile emotion is love. Every day we grapple with love and the extensions of maintaining it. The people we love are, on any given day, apt to anger us, disappoint us, disillusion us, irritate us, and generally cause us all manner of consternation.

One of the kids around here has a saying that she uses frequently. She says, “You can’t help who you love.” I have to agree. You cannot always select the people you love in your life. You don’t get the option of picking your parents. You don’t get your choice of siblings. Sometimes, you don’t even get the luxury of choosing the people with whom you fall in love. However, you do have a choice of the people you allow to hurt you.

If a relationship with someone you love is detrimental to your physical, emotional, or mental well-being, you have to make the choice to stay away from that person. That can happen in marriages, where one partner is abusive. It can happen in love relationship under the same circumstances. It can happen between parents and children. It can be on either side. It can happen between siblings as well.

There may be something in one or both of the participants that makes it impossible for them to co-exist in the same area. It doesn’t even have to be a failing on one side or both. It can just be something as simple as life choices. Something makes it impossible for one to have a personal daily relationship with someone they love.

The difficulty comes when we try to reconcile what our head knows and what our heart feels. Our head knows it is not healthy for us to be around this person. Our heart tells us of our love for that person and yearns to be in contact. It is never easy.

It is easier if we convince ourselves that we are angry with them. It is easier if we make them a villain (and sometimes they are.) Unfortunately, some days the mind gets quiet, and the heart screams the louder. We are left with the age-old quandary. “How can I hate someone I love?”

We have to be able to leave certain parts of ourselves out of the equation. We have to heart-love them and keep our distance with our mind. We have to compartmentalize it. Talking about it doesn’t make it easier. I have felt it in my heart. I have seen it in my friends. I have read it in the musing of fellow blog writers. The heart yearns. The mind warns. The soul laments. Then, we deal with the pulling.

I have found, when dealing with those issues, it is best to keep it simple. Do not delve into old issues, no matter how tempting it is to resolve them. Some things will not be resolved. Some things will never have complete closure. There will always be things in your life, that the only closure you will get, is the sound of you closing the door, on your side. Ignore the snide remarks that may arise. Ignore the cleverly (or not so cleverly) veiled references to past hurts. This is just part of the pettiness of the person with whom you are dealing. Make peace where you can, and leave the rest to the ages to settle. (My dad used to say, “charge it to the dust and let the rain settle it.”)

I look at it like this:

My daughters used to argue over some of the most inane issues (well, inane to me.) I told them once (probably much more than once, bit at least once), It doesn’t matter if your sister thinks the moon is made of green cheese. It does not hurt her to believe it. It doesn’t hurt you for her to believe it. It doesn’t matter. Some issues between those we love/hate are like that as well. (I am not talking about issues dealing with life and death that may contain vital life saving info.) So what if they think they were right. So what if they die thinking you were wrong. It isn’t worth the stress it will cause you to argue over petty issues. (I know, they are not really petty, but imagine them in the grand scheme. Is it going to damn or save you if the issue isn’t cleared up?)

Love what you love about them and leave the rest to the dust. Protect your heart and mind where it needs it. Take care of you. Let them take care of them.

Just my side of the coin ….

1 comment:

seymour said...

Boy, did this hit home with me. Especially the part about "The heart yearns. The mind warns. The soul laments. Then, we deal with the pulling." You put all my thoughts into words on paper. There are many good things said in this blog that I will refer to again and again. Thank you for getting me back in focus.