Dealing ...

In a time 

I need to be numb

Well meaning people

Can be so dumb

(You’ll forgive 

The inadvertent rhyme)

Pain and grief

Jockey for position 

Fighting their way

To the top of the heap

The morass of feelings

Unearthed in loss’s wake 

If you’ll pardon my candor

As I deal with the incredulous 

As you think, it is at this moment

While trying to process it all

With this gaping abyss

Pulling me mercifully into the void

“How are you feeling?”

What the fuck?

At this precise moment 

With all my heart is trying to process

With all my mind is trying to salvage

Trying to save the past

While trying not to imagine the future

You want me to deal with feelings

Let’s see

How am I feeling?

I feel like I’m drowning

I feel there will never be enough air

For me to breathe again

My lungs are filled with ashes

I feel like I’m trapped in my own life

And no matter how desperately I fight

I cannot free myself

From this prison of despair 

I feel I am all alone

Even in this crowd of well wishers

Numbed to their caring hugs

Deaf to their soothing words

I feel like I need to be running

Perhaps I can out race this pain

But my feet are entangled

Capturing me, keeping me

I feel an unbearable weight

As if I’m wearing a suit of lead

Every movement is a struggle

But, I must go through the motions

How am I feeling?

I feel like I want to scream

And never stop screaming

I want to rage against the injustice 

I want to rail against the inevitable 

How am I feeling?

I want to talk about nothing

I want to laugh without a reason

I want to cry, but I am afraid

Fearful I may not be able to stop

How am I feeling?

I give my best smile

“I’m okay”

“I’ll survive”

“I’ll get through this”

© Ron Simpson Jr. 

April 25, 2020