touched by sadness

Someone I know from here (some would say I didn't really know, but whatever) posted about their neighbor (someone I really do not know) losing their child. She was 3 months old and half of a set of twins. The loss was apparently unexpected (as if any loss, expected or otherwise, is easier than another.) Any time you hear such news of sadness and are not somehow touched, you have passed beyond your own humanity. Part of being a human being is to be touched by the sadness and suffering of all humanity. I fully realize there is cruelty and misery in this world that I will never see, hear, or know about, and can do even less about it. However, we are all made less if we do not care about the suffering of others and if we do not have some place in us that wishes to alleviate that suffering in some way. When I hear about it in places I cannot reach, I send my prayers. Some will say that this is just my way of alleviating my sadness and frustration. I say, "Whatever." You think what you wish and I will believe what I wish.

Anyway, in the middle of the night when I read the post, I wrote this:

Goodbye too soon

How do you say goodbye so soon after saying hello?
How do you ever again look into the eyes of a child and not see them?
How will you ever hear a child’s laugh or cry and not hear them?
How do you walk past a swing ever again without seeing them?
How do you see a bike with training wheels without seeing them?
How do you drive by a school at classes end without seeing them?
How do you look at prom dresses or tuxedos without seeing them?
How do you think about a wedding without seeing them?

It is really over simple to say
And very difficult to imagine doing
But, you don’t
They will live in your heart forever
They will at times travel to your imaginings
They will try to escape a bit in your tears
But there will always be plenty of them inside

No one can truthfully tell you they know how you feel
Most cannot even imagine, even if we wanted to, how it feels
Even less are those who can relate
Less even than these, are those that can empathize
And there is one who can see inside your heart
Can see your pain and the depth of it
Can hear the cries that don’t make it out of your lips
Can see the tears that don’t make it to your cheeks
Can hear the words you only scream in your mind

He will be your strength
He will be your courage
He will be your faith
He will be your believing

I will not insult you by pretending to know the answer
While I may know many answers
I do not know the answer to that question
I will never be able to truthfully tell you “why?”
I will try to say the smooth soothing words
I will speak with all the gentleness I can muster
I will hold your hand
I will cry with you

When your day becomes tomorrow
And tomorrow moves on to other tomorrows
Sadness moves on to dullness
And dullness moves into acceptance
You will learn to say goodbye
Too soon

Ron Simpson, Jr.
March 25, 2009

In honor

Tammy's ex passed away nearly a year ago. He passed on November 25th, 2007. Old readers of my blog will remember those posts. Tammy asked me if I could write something for the kids to help them through this difficult anniversary. 2007 was a tough year around here. "C" said, "Everyone in this house lost a father in 2007." My dad went home on March 8th of that year. Tammy's dad passed almost a month later. Then, in November, the kids lost their dad.

Tammy thought it might be hard for me, being as I lost dad so close to all this. I still miss my dad tremendously. That missing, and knowing the kids went into this. I know it is a day early, but here is something in his memory .. for the kids.

You and Me

Time passed
But time stood still
Part of me recognizes
That it has, in fact, been a year
Three hundred sixty-five days
Since you left us unexpectedly
My mind knows it has been that long
Part of me still feels
Like it was just yesterday

No time has passed
In that part of my heart
It froze on that day
Others in my heart continued
While
In that place
Where you live
Time has stopped

There
You still laugh
You still play
You still speak

There
We still walk and talk
We still love

There
We still are
You and me

For C, S, C, and K
On the anniversary of R’s passing
November 25, 2008

Ron Simpson, Jr.

In Memory

The pastor that married Tammy and I passed away this week after a long struggle with cancer. He was my friend of more than 30 years. He was a missionary to Nigeria, Taiwan, and Liberia in his lifetime. He was pastor of several churches and Principal of a Christian school as well.

I wrote this for him:

As He Goes Home

All over the world he has walked
He carried the Word of God with him
It was his shield and buckler
It was his undying strength

Throughout the states
Across the ocean
To the fields of Africa
This word and his faith sustained him

He carried the Truth
He carried God’s spirit
He carried his own smile
And his bright vision

He took it to friends
He took it to strangers
Which were merely friends
Not yet made

He was surrounded by faith
He was circled by love
All of which was partially
A reflection of the love within him

By this shall all men know
And we knew
Because he refused
Not to share his fortune

When he got it inside
Those many years ago
It constantly spilled out
And affected us all

Even when the cancer
Tried so hard
To dampen his light
It shined the more

His strength in his frailty
His faith in austerity
His love in the darkness
His hope in hopelessness

Still, in his weakest
He carried us
Today he carries us with him
As he goes home

Thanks for the love

In memory
Addison “Pete” Keaton, Jr.

March 27, 2008
Ron Simpson, Jr

Anniversary

Yesterday was one year.

One year ago, Dad died.

One year ago, we began a journey that didn't slow down until we had been to five funerals. It still added three more funerals before the family thing stopped. Regular readers of my blog (if I have any after my nearly a month sabbatical) recall the whirlwind.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of dad's death.

About a week before the day, My oldest daughter called me to ask if the family was doing anything organized to remember the day. I called my sister and nothing was planned. I figured we would all do the remembrance thing in private ways. Kind of like the way that dad affected us all, both generally and specifically.

How did I spend the day?

I woke up early (I usually wake up prior to the alarm going off on weekdays, and my body refuses, generally, to let me sleep in on weekends unless I am ill.) I looked at the clock. It said 6:45. I got up, went to the bathroom, and sat down at the computer to work a little, play a little, read a little, and wait for the sun to come up. I was sending a reply email and it said something about my email being sent at 3:45. I was like, "What??" I checked the clock again and sure enough, it was only a quarter til four. Back to bed I went. I have no clue what time it was when I got up, so no clue how long I had been up either.

The next thing I knew, my phone was ringing and it was 9:30.

We had about 4 to 6 inches of snow on the ground. I was mixed with a little ice. (How much ice needs to be mixed in to make it impassable? Who know?) Tammy and I had things to do, so we ventured out. The roads were mostly good. I had the truck in 4-wheel/all wheel drive, so it was good. We went to Winchester to pick up some things at school, and then off to Richmond to meet with Jesse. He is my Cingular/ATT connection.

We hit a few slick spots on the back road, but nothing to make us turn around. The interstate was great. (75 MPH Great) I bought a new phone from Jesse. One of my students wanted my phone. So, I sold it to him for $50 less than I was buying the new one from Jesse. I had the Cingular 8525 Pocket PC. I bought an 8925 Tilt. Sweet phone/PDA/Pocket PC.

We came back home and chilled the rest of the day, mostly.

So, what did I do to commemorate one of the hardest days of my life?

I lived. I did the daily things that make a life. I did the one thing Dad wanted me to do: to go on living.

I am doing that again today. I am fairly sure I will do it again tomorrow. I hope to do it for a while yet.

Every day, I miss him. Every day, something he has done or said affects some part of my life. Every day, I live, and in doing so, he lives, through me.

I miss you terribly, dad.

New Year off and running

2008 is off and running.

We were glad to see 2007 go. There was so much heartache in it. It is not the we would erase the year, but it would have been nice to spread the sorrow out of a decade rather than 8 months.

Of course, not to be left out, 2008 had to get in it's kick.

Last night as she was getting ready for bed, one of C's friends had to call her and tell her about a mutual friend/classmate that hung himself over a girl not liking him. C had a hard time with it for a bit, then she rebounded. She has decided that no one should have the right to do that to their friends. No one has the right to impose such hurt on their friends and family. She agrees that it is a totally selfish thing to do.

Poor C, she feels things so deeply and is so quick to try to figure out how she could have prevented or changed things. There are just some things you cannot do anything about.

My Dad pastored a church and led a small religious organization while I was growing up. I remember a pastor in Columbus, Ohio, that had a conversation with Dad once while I was with him. It went something like this:

Pastor JG: You know, some of my people think I am Jesus Christ.

Dad: How so ?

Pastor JG: They bring me their problems like I can just fix them all.

Dad: I see.

Pastor JG: You know, the worst thing about that is that sometimes I think I am Jesus Christ as well. because I will take them and try to fix them.

Most things are outside the realm of our control. I can control, with some success, my own life. Even that is a tenuous control. When I drive to work, I control my driving, but not the driving of the 1000 or so that I will drive beside or pass on my way to work and back. In that, if one were looking statistically, I have about a .1% amount of control. I control my actions at school, but have little or no control over the actions of the 300 students that visit our small technical school each day. Again, statistically I have about .33% amount of control.

It is better at home in the control factor, but there are outside influences that i have no control over. I cannot control the weather. I cannot control those that drive by my house each day.

That is something C needs to learn. She is responsible for how she acts or reacts. She is answerable for her actions. The actions of her friends, however hurtful, are outside her realm of control or responsibility.

She says that her strength is a reflection of those that love her. She is a smart kid.

Happy 2008 to all.

ITS OUT !!!

Bittersweet

My book is now available thru the publishers website. I got an email from the publisher telling me it was now available for purchase.

The url for ordering is:
http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail~bookid~47770.aspx

I got the email as we were driving to Florida for the funeral of the kids dad.

The family is telling us that Tammy is not allowed to attend. The family says there is a list of people allowed to attend. The kids boyfriends are not allowed (according to the contact.) S's daughter, his granddaughter, is supposedly not on the list. It is such a travesty. They have completely ignored what R would have wanted. They are using his funeral to hurt the family members they don't like.

What a bunch.

Welcome to the avalanche

As inconceivable as it seems, the boulders just keep coming down the mountain. Last night we were out with some old friends. One or more of them commented on our "bad" year. We put a humorous spin on it and said, "But we are out of relatives to kill." For the uninformed, we have had six family deaths since March.

This afternoon, we were in the sitting room. I was working on some grading for my classes at school, and was about to show Nick some pictures Sierra wanted him to see, that were on my computer. The phone rings, and it is the kids grandfather's number. He is calling to tell us that the kids Dad, Tammy's ex, has committed suicide.

These kids have been through so much. They got very close to my parents. Dad's death was a monumental loss to them .. Then Tammy's dad dies .. Then my grandmother .. Then my great aunt .. Then our next door neighbor .. Then Tammy's grandmother .. Then another of my great aunts .. and now this ....

It feels like being buried under an avalanche.

They are reeling from the blows.

I was thinking of them, and counselling them, and loving them, and talking to them, and praying for them .. and I wrote (which I do)

Easy .. That ain’t me

I suppose
In light of it all
No one would be shocked
Some would even nod
And say it was expected

It isn’t as if life
Gave me a break
At all this year

It would almost be easy
Almost
But it wouldn’t be me

Surrounded by the dark
Though the light fights
It seems the darkness
Will not be denied
It will have its day

The losses
Have been colossal
Depending on the person
There have been dads
And grandfathers,
And grandmothers,
And great grandmothers,
And great aunts,
And even a neighbor
That have walked
Into that great unknown

And each journey
Has taken our hearts
And our spirits
And lain open our souls
And robbed us of strength

I suppose
In light of it all
No one would be shocked
Some would even nod
And say it was expected

It would almost be easy
To give up
Almost
But it wouldn’t be me

It amazes me
How much we lean
On these pillars
In our lives

As I look around me
There are plenty of new gaps
But still, there are pillars
And I can still lean
And then I see
There are those
Leaning on me

It would almost be easy
To falter
To fall
Almost
But, it wouldn’t be me

Cause, easy
That just ain’t me

For the kids ...
Ron
November 25, 2007

And the rain continues ...

Today at 1 pm, we attended the funeral of my great aunt Gladys. She was 84 years old. When I was just a kid (early teens and such) I used to stay with her and Uncle Carl when Mom and Dad were out of town at church conferences. Her son, Terry Dale, was about the same age as me. we reminisced about those days a bit today. It was bittersweet to see some family I hadn't seen for so many years.

I left school early to go to the funeral, but had to be back for a staff meeting and open house. While I was in the staff meeting, Tammy called with the news that our next door neighbor, Mrs Vivian, had passed away this morning. She was 56 years old.

I don't know if I have any more tears left in me.

I do know this, if I have to listen to "go rest high on that mountain" one more time while looking at a dead relative, I will go strangle Vince Gill myself. I love the song, but I am so tired of funerals.

It is most fortunate that this numbness still hangs on. The overwhelming sadness and darkness threatens to overtake us all. Only the tender strength of God sustains me.

My friends and co-workers are becoming afraid to be around me though. I think they are afraid something will jump on them.

I will persevere.

Nothing is going to hold me back.

There may be a catch in my throat sometimes, there may be a falter in my step, but I will still go on.

The roller coaster ride continues

It has been a crazy week.

We started the week by going to the SkillsUSA Kentucky State Competition. I had three students competing this year. I am proud of them all. They were competing in the leadership events of Extemporaneous Writing, Job Interview, and Related Technical Math. All their competitions were on Tuesday. We arrived on Monday afternoon after a bumpy start, which included me having to find/buy a black necktie, (I have about 100 neckties, but couldn't find my only solid black one) and returning to the school to pick up a jacket left by one of the competitors.

The Tuesday competitions were split into morning and afternoon events. I had one in the morning (Job Interview) and the remaining two in the afternoon. The young lady competing in the writing event was out and about with her family in Louisville. the start time was getting close. I called her at noon (her orientation was at 12:30) and she told me they were on their way back to the hotel. By 12:20, they were still not at the hotel. I called and she told me they were lost. Oh No ! I scrambled to open a map on the computer and find out where they were and how to get to the hotel. They finally found us and rushed in at the last second for her to change into her "Official Dress" and get to the contest site. On Thursday, we found out she placed SECOND in the state in that event.

On Tuesday evening, we received word that Tammy's father had passed away. He had a stroke while Dad was in the hospital. He eventually was released and was staying at a nursing home. On Sunday, his brother took him to the hospital and he was treated and released. On Tuesday, he was taken back to the hospital where he passed away. TJ's uncle called us around 6 that evening. I made some calls and had his body picked up by Kerr Brothers in Lexington.

We left for Lexington on Thursday to make the arrangements. The Funeral Home was extremely nice to us. They helped us out all they could. Because of Jim's recent move back to KY, he didn't have many friends here. There will be a short visitation on Friday, followed by a grave side service. Our Pastor will handle the service.

In spite of the tumultuous relationship TJ had with her father, his passing has been very hard on her. I am sure it is coupled and intermingled with the grief she is still adjusting to concerning my fathers passing just four weeks ago.

We returned to Louisville that afternoon for the rest of the contest and ceremonies. As I stated previously, one of the three students finished in the top three of the state. They are all winners for even getting this far.

The final ceremonies were this morning with the awards presentations. After that, we decided to go to Hard Rock Cafe for lunch. We finally made it after going into the wrong place. The door directly under the Hard Rock Cafe sign is not the Hard Rock Cafe. It is The Pub, a British styled bar/restaurant. The HRC was very nice (with prices to match.)

After we left the HRC, we headed toward Lexington. I had missed a call on my phone, so I checked my messages. My Grandmother had finally given up her long battle and passed away this morning at 11:30. I have no idea of the arrangements as of yet. I do know that I am to be a pallbearer at the funeral. I called my children to tell them the news. My son-in-law, Chris made the statement, "When is this going to end?" I responded that NOW would be a good time.

This is all catching up to me, the stress at work over these competitions and projects we are trying to finish, the passing of my father, the passing of Tammy's father, and the struggle and passing of my Granny. I don't think I am handling it very well. I have become snappy lately. I am a lot less tolerant of things that used to not bother me. I am trying to fix that,but am not sure how to do that. I know I need to talk about it, but the words are bottled up inside me. This has not been hard because it is the reporting of facts. That is easy.

One thing I wrote yesterday was: The hardest thing for a poet is the understand that sometimes there are no words to be said.

The anger inside me is building. I don't even know who I am angry with. Unfortunately, those around me are feeling the warmth. I need to find a way to let go of some of this. Scratch that. I need to find a way to let go of all of this. Snappy is not me. Hateful is not me.

I am fortunate to have Tammy, who is worried sick about me. I am fortunate that she will stand beside me. She will tell me to straighten up too. She told me to pick a person to be, Be sweet or be hateful, but pick one. I do love and adore her so. She has been my rock through this. She thinks she is leaning on me during this ordeal with her dad, but we are co-leaning. I would be completely lost without her. We will make it through this the way we make it through everything, Together.