My First Without Dad

It wasn't as bad as I imagined. Still, it was hard.

somethng I wrote ...

We followed you

When we were young,
We would follow you around the house
We would go from room to room,
Crawling or toddling, as children do
We didn’t know where you were going,
Or where the journey would end
We simply knew,
We wanted to follow you

We were scattered severally
Across a ten year span
So, while some crawled, some walked
But each of us, in our own way
Followed you

You never really acknowledged
That you knew how closely we watched
Or how hard we tried to follow
But I am sure you knew
And you led, and we followed

Some of us, or just one of us
So bold in our teenage rebellion
Promised we would never walk your paths
We would blaze our own trails
In opposite or perhaps obstinate directions
Not realizing that in doing so
We were following you

You taught us to travel
And follow our own courses
You gave us more than you ever had
You didn’t change our diapers
Or feed us our meals
While some doctor of figuring out reasons
Would have a field day with those
Still we never doubted your love
And still, we followed you

A while back
You stepped through a door
And we could follow you no more
At least not for a long while
But, you left a trail
A pattern if you will
A shining example

While we cannot follow you as closely
As when we crawled behind your heels
We can still follow you
We can follow your example
We can follow your life
Which you lived fully and openly
We can follow your words
Which you shared without hesitation
We can follow your heart
Which you gave without reservation
We can follow your faith
Which was manifest in everything you did

You lived right
You left too soon

I hope
When my day comes
I have the same faith
I have the same course
I hope
I have followed as you followed

I hope
We have followed you

Ron
December 22, 2007

The Christmas blog

It is that time of the year again. Christmas is not my favorite holiday. Independence Day is my fave, however, Christmas is in my top four. I do like the holiday. It just isn't one of my top three. I am sure it was my favorite when I was a kid. That being said, we continue.

Christmas is about stress. Boy, do we need stress.

There is stress about what present to get for this one and that one. Tammy will tell you that I increase that stress because I never want anything. If someone asks what I want, I will tell him or her just that, nothing. I really do not mean to be frustrating in that. Dad was the same way. If he needed something, he bought it. Therefore, he needed nothing, basically. He was hard to buy for. I am a lot like him in that, I suppose.

Then, there are the money issues. It is an American tradition to spend more than you can afford at Christmas time. In that, we are just like most. We will spend more than we should. The spirit of Christmas giving captures us and we always want to give more. We want the kids to have a good Christmas.

In spite of all that has happened this year, we are still happy. We want to share that happiness to those we love and those that surround us. Our lives are still touched by all that has came to pass. My oldest said something about Christmas being different this year because of dad’s passing. I thought about it and decided that every Christmas is different each year. Each year, we would gather at dad and mom’s house on Christmas Eve. Every year, there would be someone or so new in the crowd. There would be a new boyfriend or girlfriend. There would be a new husband or new wife. There would be new babies.

This year will be different again. There will be new boyfriends, girlfriends, hubbies, wives, and babies. However, this year, there will be minuses as well, especially for Tammy and I. Chella stated that everyone in our house lost a father this year. It was a stunning statement. So, Christmas will be very different this year.

There will be presents. There will be joy. There will be singing. There will be family. There will be happiness. There will be celebration. There will be giving. There will be receiving. There will be eating. There will be gathering. And, there will be sadness for the missing ones.

This Christmas, like all the other Christmases in my life will come and go. It will provide some joy and some sorrow. It will bring some smiles and some tears. It will be one more good reason to gather with family.

Merry Christmas to you … and to yours …

And a Happy New Year !

Thank you

Thank you for being my release.

Thank you for kind words.

It has been a dickens of a year. As it slowly grinds to a close, we can only hope for a better next year. It has been bleak, but there have been bright spots. There have been new births and new adventures. There have been losses, but we are still here, and we are still standing. We may wobble or limp on occasion, but, we are still walking.

There is still a sun shining in our lives. It shines brightly.

We will come through this. We may be scathed. We may be knocked around. However, we will still emerge victorious.

Christmas is coming soon. It won't be the same, but, then again, it never is.

I will post soon with much more to say. For now, I will say that I am alive and kicking.

ITS OUT !!!

Bittersweet

My book is now available thru the publishers website. I got an email from the publisher telling me it was now available for purchase.

The url for ordering is:
http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail~bookid~47770.aspx

I got the email as we were driving to Florida for the funeral of the kids dad.

The family is telling us that Tammy is not allowed to attend. The family says there is a list of people allowed to attend. The kids boyfriends are not allowed (according to the contact.) S's daughter, his granddaughter, is supposedly not on the list. It is such a travesty. They have completely ignored what R would have wanted. They are using his funeral to hurt the family members they don't like.

What a bunch.

Welcome to the avalanche

As inconceivable as it seems, the boulders just keep coming down the mountain. Last night we were out with some old friends. One or more of them commented on our "bad" year. We put a humorous spin on it and said, "But we are out of relatives to kill." For the uninformed, we have had six family deaths since March.

This afternoon, we were in the sitting room. I was working on some grading for my classes at school, and was about to show Nick some pictures Sierra wanted him to see, that were on my computer. The phone rings, and it is the kids grandfather's number. He is calling to tell us that the kids Dad, Tammy's ex, has committed suicide.

These kids have been through so much. They got very close to my parents. Dad's death was a monumental loss to them .. Then Tammy's dad dies .. Then my grandmother .. Then my great aunt .. Then our next door neighbor .. Then Tammy's grandmother .. Then another of my great aunts .. and now this ....

It feels like being buried under an avalanche.

They are reeling from the blows.

I was thinking of them, and counselling them, and loving them, and talking to them, and praying for them .. and I wrote (which I do)

Easy .. That ain’t me

I suppose
In light of it all
No one would be shocked
Some would even nod
And say it was expected

It isn’t as if life
Gave me a break
At all this year

It would almost be easy
Almost
But it wouldn’t be me

Surrounded by the dark
Though the light fights
It seems the darkness
Will not be denied
It will have its day

The losses
Have been colossal
Depending on the person
There have been dads
And grandfathers,
And grandmothers,
And great grandmothers,
And great aunts,
And even a neighbor
That have walked
Into that great unknown

And each journey
Has taken our hearts
And our spirits
And lain open our souls
And robbed us of strength

I suppose
In light of it all
No one would be shocked
Some would even nod
And say it was expected

It would almost be easy
To give up
Almost
But it wouldn’t be me

It amazes me
How much we lean
On these pillars
In our lives

As I look around me
There are plenty of new gaps
But still, there are pillars
And I can still lean
And then I see
There are those
Leaning on me

It would almost be easy
To falter
To fall
Almost
But, it wouldn’t be me

Cause, easy
That just ain’t me

For the kids ...
Ron
November 25, 2007

Thanks (How else would a Thanksgiving Day blog start ?)

Traditionally, Thanksgiving is a time when we reflect over the past year and give thanks for things that have happened. It would be easy to just look at the last eight months and wish we could erase it all, for the most part. Tammy and I were counting, and death has crossed our path closely seven times in that time period. We both lost our fathers and our grandmothers. I have lost two great aunts, and we lost our next door neighbor. How simple it would be to take a giant eraser and begin rubbing away those months.

However, in that same year long time frame, there have been shining moments as well.

In December, we welcomed Abigail Kennedy to our small but growing list of grandchildren.

In June, we welcomed the six week early arrival of Cloe Danielle.

In August, we began the publishing process to have my own baby, "Journey Into Darkness." It is scheduled to arrive by the end of November or the first of December.

Add to that, that on any given day, I can call or find any of my seven children (yes, I do claim them all.) Every day I am surrounded by the love of those around me. Everyday, the tall redhead finds ways to show me how much she loves me and gives me room to fall more deeply in love with her.

You can keep that day eraser away from my year. I'll take the hard with the pleasant. I'll keep the sorrow stored neatly beside the joy. I will be thankful, for while I did lose a few this year, I had the joy of knowing them for many years.

I am thankful today, as I try to be every day. I am thankful for the things left to me. I am thankful that I can feel the loss and can tell the difference. I am thankful that we are adding to family and making new friends, even in the midst of our losses. I am thankful for so many positive changes in my life. I am thankful to God for His Love, His Grace, and His Mercy.

I am thankful for you.

on again, off again, and a poem

When Dad died in March this year, it started a cascade of bad news. For those not following the blog, let me give you the readers digest versions. Dad dies in March. Three weeks and five day later, Tammy's father dies. Two days later, my grandmother dies. A week later, one of my great aunts dies. As we are returning from the funeral of the great aunt, we find out that our next door neighbor died.

Then there was a brief respite.

Fast forward to October. Tammy's grandmother dies. Two weeks later (Sunday) my Mom calls me to tell me that the last remaining (I think) of my great aunts has died. So, you can see that it has been a very tough year, by any standards.

One of the things that changed when Dad died was one of my favorite holiday traditions. Every year on Christmas Eve, we would all gather at Mom and Dad's to celebrate, eat a holiday meal, and exchange gifts. The usual crowd would range between 45 and 55 participants. We would be together for about six hours. There would be no fighting, arguing, exchanging harsh words, or anything like that. It was six hours of peace and happiness with 50 or so of your closest relatives.

Mom decided that she didn't want to have the family gathering at the house this year, because it would be very hard for her, since Dad was gone. They had been together for 56 years. We all respected her wishes.

Then, last week, Mom informs me that she is going to have a Christmas dinner at her house for the family, but no gift exchange. Too which I responded, "Cool."

Yesterday, as I was driving home from church, I started thinking about Christmases of the past and thought about how this Christmas Dinner would be without Dad. I was in bed last night, when I had to get up and spit out my heart. Here is what came out:

He is here

I look in his chair and he isn’t there
But he’s here

I look at the counter where he would often sit
and he isn’t there
But he is here

I glance to the head of the table where he often ate
and he isn’t there
But he is here

He isn’t in the chair by the computer
But he is here

He isn’t on the phone talking to Germany
But he is here

All of the places I used to see him, he is not there
But he is here

He is here in this ones eye
He is here in that ones story
He is there in that laugh
He is over there in that tear

Everywhere I look are fleeting glimpses of him

He is there
And there
And there
And even over there

Someone told me that Dad would never be gone
as long as I was alive
And I agree

But more than me
There are five more, daughters and a son
That he lives within

There are sons in laws and daughters in laws
that keep him here
There are grandchildren that carry him as well

There is Mom
Doing what Mom does
And holding him close
Because he is here

He is here in every memory
That brings a smile or a tear
And sometimes both

He is not here (arms out)
But he is here (arms in)

Ron

new boy

I was online this morning and in the Louisville chatroom. There was a guy, Tim, trying to give away some dogs. One of the dogs was a 9 month old purebred boxer. I was on that. I checked with Tammy to make sure she was okay with it. She was and excited to boot.

We drove to Louisville and picked up Dusty. He loves the kids and the other dogs. It seems like a good fit.

Pics below

the new boy, Dusty, and Rocky

Something I wrote for a friend

Grand Parenthood

How do you let go
Of someone you love so much
How do you let someone else
Make the life shaping decisions
You know are right
While you watch from the side

Ah, now you know
The curse of the grandparent

All of your parenthood
You have readily accepted
The importance of your role
In raising a proper child
All of your parenthood
You tried to instill the right life value
You tried to tell them enough
You tried to make them independent

Suddenly, all the lessons come home
Did I tell them this
Did I tell them that
Did I give them enough

This life
This oh so precious life
Held in your arms
Forever held in your heart
So reluctantly placed in the arms
Of two inexperienced children

You try
In every moment shared
To give just a little more
To share one more parent tip
To extend the protection
To augment the care

Here it is
Small and fragile
Precious and loved
Being strapped into a car seat
In the back seat of a car
That is going to drive away

Did I do enough
Do they know enough
(As if any of us knew enough)
Do they have enough

You watched them break their toys
You saw their irresponsibility
You silently pray
Those days are far behind
You know
Babies will grow you
Fast

You wonder
You hope
You love
You worry
You fret
You trust
You simply must

Welcome to the Grand time
Of Parenthood
Welcome to Grand Parenthood

Ron

Hallowhen ?

We found out today that Mt Sterling is doing the whole Halloween Trick-or-treat tonight !!



They have moved Halloween. Kyle was aghast that they would move such a favored holiday. I told him they would have a hard time moving my favorite holiday (July 4th.)

They threw together some impromptu costumes (as if they wouldn't have done the exact same thing tomorrow night.)

The kids are going trick-or-treating. Tammy (who found out today that she has a torn muscle and a pulled hamstring) is going to pick up the brake pads for her Caddy. She is twitterpated because she got the Camaro started yesterday and it reminded her how much fun it was to drive. She is now back to vacillating between selling it or keeping it.

I am taking a blog break after finishing my college class and in the middle of doing a KTIP lesson plan for my Principal's observation tomorrow morning.

I was looking around and checked Tammy's blog. Two months ago she blogged about how it had been two months since she blogged and promised not to make y'all wait that long again. Ooops.



Anyway ... the book progresses on toward it publication date. Some of the teachers at the High School want copies. One of the counsellors said he wanted a 'signed' copy. It still freaks me out about signing a book. I don't know why.



Time to get back to work ... y'all have a good evening (or morning .. or whenever you read this .. have something good afterwards.)

more comes

Got the cover of the book today for approval. It was cool.

It gets more real as it gets closer. All along, this has been kind of surreal. It is like it is happening, except to someone else.

Here is the link to the bookstore version of my book.
Journey Into Darkness

or: http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore
/ItemDetail~bookid~47770.aspx

Five Generations

The usual catching up to do

Here it is mid October. So much has been happening. On the 11th day of the month, Tammy and I celebrated our 4th year wedding anniversary. It was a quiet celebration. We were supposed to go to our bedroom early and not be inundated with knocks on the door to interrupt us. (That would have been nice ... not practical, but nice.) I really do believe the kids tried to keep it to a minimum. ANYWAY ....

Wow, four years with a beautiful sexy loving caring woman. I am totally spoiled. It has been five and a half years counting the delightful dating and engaging period. Tammy has had such a positive influence in my life. She sometimes disagrees with that, citing all the drama that came with her, but overall, she had been wonderful for me. Dontcha think so, Red ?

There has been a lot going on at work.The first nine week grading period is ending this week. There was potential fireworks about Wednesday, the 17th. Allow me to explain:

I have been in the process of getting a book published. I told my principal that I would be taking off a day in October to meet with the design team to go over cover design, back cover design, layout of the book, size, font to be used, and numerous other details before a first printing could take place. She was aware of this for a month or better.

October 1-5 was fall break. We had no students. I took off part of the week as did all of the other teachers. During the week off, the publisher called and scheduled the team meeting for the 17th. When I returned to school and told my principal that I needed to be off on the 17th, she balked. She told me she could not approve leave on that day, as we have students that day. No leave would be allowed except for sick leave. I was not going to lie to get the day off.

I told her I would take the day off without pay. There would be no need to pay me out of any of my three avenues to take time off (Annual leave, Sick leave, and Comp time) and therefore no problem. She informed me that I could not take leave without pay if I had any available leave time. She could only approve sick time.

As much as I hated doing it, I called my doctor's office and moved my November 23rd appointment to Oct 17 early in the morning. I filled out my leave slip as sick leave for a DR appointment.

I went to the DR at 8:45 AM and had my routine blood work done and picked up a DR excuse for work. From there, we went to Mom's house to visit, then to fill up with gas at $2.55 per gallon, then off to get my oil changed. Finally it was time to go to Bloomington, IN. It was a 198 mile drive. The first 115 miles were interstate. The last 83 miles were two laned country roads. Still it was a good drive and we got to the publishers early.

The meeting was fabulous. The team, consisting of Matt and Ryan, was great. We talked about sports teams and family for about 20 minutes before we ever got around to talking about the book. They didn't rush the process at all. There was a free sharing of ideas, and humorous stories about loved one and family. It was obvious that both had read at least part of the book and had a good feel for what we were trying to accomplish. JR, my author rep sat in on part of the meeting, which was not required at all. We chatted about UK sports and the mania in KY about it. Then it was back to book discussion. More often than not, it was me steering the conversation back to the book. It was just a good feel.

Up until now, the published thing was still an off there in the distant, can't really see it thing. Suddenly, we are talking a month.

The drive home was slow and easy. We got home about 8ish.

Back to work today. As always, after missing a day, there were numerous tales of mischief and revelry. All in all, the substitute said they were good kids and would be glad to sub for me anytime.

There ya go, all caught up.

Yep, it happened

50 happened.

On Oct 4, I turned the corner on my half century. the first thing i did afdter fielding call while still in bed, was sign on, and join AARP.

The weekend had two parties. My children couldnt come to the party on Saturday, so they all came down on Sunday and we had a second party. Yep, a birthday so big, it took two parties to cover it.

It was a good time. You have already seen my birthday present from my honey. The rest were assorted shirts and games. It was great.

Simpson's Rockwell

Introducing "Rockwell"

We call him "Rocky"

Born August 8, 2007 ... He became ours on September 22, 2007

It is a small town

This morning we were awakened to the sound of sirens. There were police and fire trucks screeching their way around us. Now, we do live 2 blocks from the police station and just over 2 blocks from a fire station, so the sirens are not alarming. It didn't necessarily mean there was a fire in our neighborhood.

However, as we got moving about, we noticed a smell of smoke in the air. The fire was close. the smoke was hovering close to the ground because of the cool morning temps. We knew it was not far away. As I left for work, I went out the back and down to main street. Looking right, I could see about two blocks down a mass of flashing lights. The Police had the street blocked. Ambulances were scattered about. There are apartments in that area. I figured one had turned on some heat because of the low temps (50's) and started a fire. I hoped everyone was OK.

My day progressed. As I usually do as I drive home, I called Tammy. I asked her if she had heard of any news on the morning fire. Well, she had. That was when the humor of the situation started.

What was on fire, down the street, early in the morning, was the FIRE STATION. Yes, the only fire station located within the city limits was burning. There are 6 fire stations located in Montgomery County, but to my knowledge this is the only one within the city limits. No one was hurt in the blaze.

Yes, it is a small town.

Remain or Become

Someone I love was the victim in a crime involving violence. This is for that someone ...

Remain a victim
Or become a victor

Victims live in fear
Victors live in victory

Victims cower in silence
Victors speak out in empowerment

Victims draw away from others
Victors draw others with their strength

Victims live
Victors give

Victims hide
Victors reside

In the victim, the act becomes a whirlpool,
pulling everything down with it,
even the good that was before and comes after

In the victor, the act becomes a stepping-stone,
leading to the next pinnacle in their lives.

Victims are powerless to rise
Victors refuse to stay down

Victim’s lives are reduced to the level of the least act
Victors make the act, the least thing in their lives

Victims believe in the strength of others
Victors find that strength within themselves

Victims will find a way to turn every victory into a defeat
Victors will turn defeats into steps toward victory

Victim can never separate failing in this one act, from being a failure
Victors fully understand that failure is a momentary event and not a character trait

We become the things we do continually
The victim will always find a way to remain a victim
The victor will always seek a way to become a victor

Which will you do, remain a victim, or become a victor?
The choice is yours.

growing

for Jay

An old friend took his life a few days ago. As I tried to come to grips with the why's (we will never know) and the mindset, this is what my head spit out.
I am lost

I cannot recall the moment it slipped from my fingers
Even then, it was still in sight, like a well-known book of the shelf
I could draw strength just from the knowledge
It was still here
It wasn’t strength I would need every day
So the day it disappeared from its familiar place
Went unnoticed as well.

It might have been only hours, It might have been the day
It might have been a week, or a month, or a year
But the day did come and I went to that place
That well-known trusted place and there I found the empty
The place where it should have been
The place where it was before
The place, where, without being seen
It was taken away

There were always winds, and rains, and storms,
And thunder, and darkness, and clouds
But, there always was, in it’s own familiar spot
Shining through the shadows, a single piercing beam
Of life sustaining, of comfort providing
Of solace carrying, a ray of untainted hope

No matter how far I sank, I could find it in that known place
No matter the cares of life that assailed my mind
I could still find my way to that fullness
My soul would find a comfort
My mind would find a respite
My weariness would abate
Until today

Today, there is no rest
There is no breathing room
There is no alcove in which to draw myself
My mind is bombarded; my soul is compassed
Today, there is no hope
There is no anchor for my soul
Today, I am lost

Ron Simpson Jr.
September 1, 2007